I think part of the intense emotion I feel is because this is Josiah's first Christmas that he really gets what's going on. And just like any 2.5 year old, it's mostly about the presents. Always wanting to open presents. But he also totally gets that it's Jesus' birthday that we're celebrating. That He's the One we're singing about. Yes, there's Santa. He was scary at first, but eventually won the little guy over because he brought the toy dinosaur that was very specifically requested. But it's definitely all about Jesus.
**I want to remember going to walk/drive around neighborhoods (both sets of grandparents'), looking at Christmas lights and Josiah being most excited about the candy canes. And I want to remember getting his first nativity set from Grandmommy and PapaJoe and making sure he knew where Baby Jesus was at all times. And the frequent exclamations of, "Mommy, I found Jesus!!!" Does a mommy's heart good. ;)
Maybe some of my deep feelings of gratefulness come from reflecting on what our Christmas was like last year, compared to this year. Not that it was bad in the slightest bit. There's ALWAYS something to be grateful for. But last year was a struggle, emotionally. We had just (FINALLY!! and after way too many emotional roller-coasters) bought our very first home, but were still living with my (wonderfully gracious, generous, sacrificial...hi, Mom) parents. And we were also driving back and forth, painting and fixing and choosing and deciding and blah, blah, blah. It was crazy-stressful to be kind-of living in two different places with a toddler and not a whole lot of "just us" time. We fought for that home super hard and long and it took almost as long to get to move in.
So, needless to say...we spent two (or three or four) very wonderful Christmases with both my parents, in their home and with Matt's parents, in their home and with other various members of our extended families, in their homes. But not in our own. I honestly didn't even realize how much I was sad or affected by that lack until I had the chance for "Christmas Morning" in our own home this year.
I kept tearing up the whole morning. Waking up in our bed. My son running into my room, jumping on top of me yelling, "Merry Christmas, Mommy!!! It's Christmas! I get to open all 'mine' presents now!" Cuddling with my boy and his daddy. Reading the REAL Christmas story on the couch with my little family. Then getting to open our gifts to each other. (By the way, my husband is a most-excellent gift-giver. And a marvelous deal-finder. And so hott.) Then watching my husband cook Christmas breakfast in our kitchen while our beautiful, growing son ran around the entire house playing with each new toy.
I could go on and on.
The bottom line is this:
I have entirely too many things that I am ungrateful for. And too many things that I think I should have that I don't. And so many different things that simply haven't gone my way. So many, in fact, that it often becomes unbearable.
But all those things just seem to disappear when I really open my eyes and look around me at all the wonderful, marvelous, glorious things that surround my life. All the true gifts that prove a fierce faithfulness. All the countless times in the last few weeks I've said, "It's a Christmas miracle!" And the moment in my reflecting heart right now that wonders about that very first Christmas miracle. Is that what Mary and Joseph and the shepherds said? Were they, just moments before, overwhelmed with all of life's insufficiency? Were they whining and complaining about a situation that was seemingly less than what they deserved? And did it all just instantaneously disappear once the LIGHT of reality appeared on the earth? Could they even find words to express the Christmas Miracle snuggling in their arms? It seems like in every nativity scene I see, they're all just staring at the tiny Miracle dressed in flesh.
I think I can learn something from the posture of the statues.
"Let us FIX OUR EYES on Jesus, the Author and the Finisher of our faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
And may you, in all your worries and struggles and stresses, also fix your eyes on Jesus, the Christmas Miracle, during this holiday season.
Merry Christmas!
