Stay Here

Dear Josiah,

 My heart is so full of a thousand different emotions right now concerning you. We've had a long,  hard summer, haven't we? We've been very much together just about every single day for the last couple months and it's honestly just been so tough. Not only am I big and pregnant and wildly hot and super uncomfortable, but I've also been running dangerously low on patience. I snap and yell and just plain lose it so much faster than normal. I've rolled my eyes and said your name in an angry tone far more times than I care to admit.

And you've been...well...three.

So independent. And boundary- annihilating pushing. And inquisitive. And sassy. And adult conversation-halting. You've developed quite the case of selective hearing and you so much more prefer to just do your own thing instead of choosing to be obedient. You've had bounds and bounds of energy and have really become quite creative. Of course, Mommy hasn't had the energy to keep up with you or the mental capacity to give you constructive outlets for all your wild creativity.

You ask about half a million questions a day. And most times, they don't even make sense. And other times, I have no idea how to explain the answer to you. Your little brain is growing so fast that you want to know so much more than you even have the developmental capacity to understand just yet.

And Buddy? That's just so exhausting for Mommy (and for Daddy too.) And it can be so frustrating for all three of us to feel limited in our abilities to communicate and understand each other.

And you know what else is frustrating? To not be able to play with you like you want and like I want. I wish I could take you outside and play with you, but it's just too hot right now and it makes Mommy sick to be outside for too long. The doctor has told me not to. I wish I could have tickle-fights with you and let you jump on me and rough-house together, but I just can't right now. And someday you'll understand it's because of your growing sister, but I won't tell you that right now. No need to start a resentment so soon. For now, you can just know that it's because you're getting so big.

This afternoon, when you were watching shows on my phone and I was trying to take care of a bunch of different household chores (laundry, cooking dinner, dishes) I walked up behind you and gave you a hug. I was on my way to get the laundry basket so I could get clothes out of the dryer and keep things going so we'd have clean clothes. I had no intention of sitting with you, but you said, "Stay here."

So I sat down and you cuddled up to me. (You much prefer my lap, but it's basically non-existent at this point.) I put my arm around you and you rested your head on my chest. You didn't take your eyes off the shows, but we sat like that for a minute. Then, I realized I had started boiling water and probably needed to check on it and get dinner going and the dryer had already buzzed and the clothes were getting wrinkly...again. So I started to get up and you whispered, "Stay."

So I relaxed again and you nestled even deeper into me. And I just sat and stroked your hair and held your hand and when you switched your position, I just studied your face. Your six little, barely visible freckles on your right cheek. And your adorable overbite. And the hairs on your neck that probably need to be trimmed...again.

And I forgot about the laundry and dinner and the dishes.

Because, for a moment...we got along. I wasn't ordering you around and yelling at you for doing something you weren't supposed to be doing. And you weren't making a mess or try to hurt me or being annoying. You were just being my boy. My Best Buddy. The baby that grew up too fast.

For a moment, I wasn't struggling with the overwhelming feelings of being an unfair mommy with expectations that are way too high.

For a moment, you were telling me, the best way you know how right now, that you love me. And I didn't even realize how deeply I needed to hear you say it. But when you said, "Stay here," you spoke so much more than that.

Josiah, I love you. I love you so, so much. And it's been a hard couple of months, but I know it'll get better. And we'll keep learning each other. And God will continue to give me the grace to parent your unique, little personality the way you need me to. And He'll continue to strip me of my selfishness. And we'll probably butt heads again (I mean, it only took about 2 minutes after that precious moment for me to have to tell you to do something 7 times), but I can promise that I love even more each day that I get the privilege to know you.

You're such a big deal to me, Buddy. And as long as you'll let me, I'll stay right next to you.

Love,
Mommy