Never Say This To A Pregnant Woman

I'm pretty pregnant right now.

I mean, really. HUGE.

There's no hiding this protuberance coming out of my body. I'm pretty sure nobody even looks at my face anymore. Their eyes just go straight to the middle. Not to mention that even my maternity clothes seem to be shrinking a little more every day. Of course, making the huge-ness even more obvious.

And it's okay. I mean, of course, I have moments where I feel huge...and no woman ever wants to feel huge. But I am completely aware that this growth is because of my son. My precious, tiny, perfect son...who'll be here in a matter of days. DAYS, I tell you!

But can I, just for a moment, enlighten the general public on what NOT to say to a pregnant woman? Just a few things, really.

1. "You look like you're about to POP!" - Not only is that just a "nice" way of saying, "You're HUGE!" But it also conjures up rather disturbing images involving childbirth that no human (especially one about to give birth) ever wants to imagine.

2. "Are you sure it's not twins? I bet there's a secret twin hiding in there." - Yes, I'm sure. I may look like I'm carrying twins, but we've had several ultrasounds and we've heard the ONE heartbeat all pregnancy long. No twins. And thank you for creating a new nightmare for me. *Not that having twins would be a nightmare. We're just in no way prepared for twins.

3. "Just don't have him on this certain date." Or..."You should have him on this certain date. It's my birthday!"- Umm...I cannot control when he decides to come. If I could control it, I would've had a part on the T.V. show Heroes for having super-human superpowers.

4. "Will you just have that baby already!?!" - Trust me. Nobody wants me to have this baby more than I do...well, besides maybe the baby-daddy. He's put up with a whole heck of a lot of hormones over the last few months...and even more concentrated in the last few weeks.

5. "Girl, you should just go ahead and have a C-Section!" or "Don't even think of trying to do this without an epidural. "- Actually, my husband and I (you know, the Mommy and Daddy of this kid and the ones paying the hospital bills) have had many discussions and have prayed long and hard about it and have decided that what's best for our family includes neither of these. Of course, we understand that one or both of these may end up happening, but that will be our business and still our decision to make. But thank you for your input.

6. "Oh, no! You can't carry that stack of plates!"- Really? Why not? I'm perfectly capable. It's a stack of plates.

7. "You should have another piece of cake after eating those 5 pieces of pizza. You are eating for two, afterall."- No. No, I'm not. My tiny baby does not eat the same amount as an over-indulgent adult. And I'm pretty sure that's considered gluttony. And yes, I really do want to eat another piece of cake, but please do not encourage me.

8. "So, how much weight have you gained?"- I mean, you can go ahead and ask a pregnant woman this, but she's gonna lie to you. Don't say I didn't warn you. And no matter what her answer is, please lie back to her and say, "Oh, that's nothing! You don't even look it!"

9. "Can I please tell you my absolutely horrifying childbirth experience?"- Trust me, nothing you can say is worse than what I already imagine will potentially happen. Except that sometimes you may actually have had something even more horrifying that happened that I haven't yet imagined. And so, therefore, no thank you. I'm already spending all the hours in my day rebuking those horrible thoughts and fears.

Just a sample for those of you who may wonder if it's appropriate to say something like one of these to a pregnant woman. I've had every one of these said to me, in some way or another, and have honestly not at all gotten offended or insulted. I have pretty thick skin when it comes to this kinda stuff and it doesn't usually phase me. Although, I will say...after hearing some of these over and over and over again...it can kinda start to get to a woman. Not to mention that raging hormones make emotions even more raw and the skin a little more sensitive than usual.

But truthfully, no hard feelings here. Just a little help for my friends. And I'll probably not even give a second thought to any of this once that little guy is in my arms.

In just a few days. DAYS!!!

And just because you humored me and read through all that, I leave you with evidence of the huge-ness. Just remember, folks, that the camera adds. Here I am at 38weeks.


Also, you should know that I am not wearing any maternity clothes in this picture. A bit of a boost to the ol' self-esteem, just when I needed it. :)