It has always been my "workout" of choice. I know I don't quite have the body of a runner, but I still love it. And I don't exactly know how to describe the feeling that I get, but it's definitely kinda like a high for me. I love the feeling of the blood pumping hard in my veins and my adrenaline reaching new heights. I love that I'm always having to push my body beyond what it thinks it can do.
I'm not at all a fast runner. Or even a long-distance runner. I've probably never run more than 3 miles in my life. But for some reason or another, I'm addicted to it. And I get easily frustrated when I can't run for one reason or another. Typically, because I run outdoors, it's the weather that causes me to take a hiatus. More often than that, it's my lack of time and/or sunlight. (I would GLADLY get up at 4:00am every morning to go running, but my husband forbids it.) Lately, it's been ailments/injuries like this one.
For the last 3 summers that Matt and I have lived here, the Heights has put on a 5K Fun Run on my jogging trail the first Saturday in June. And every year I get excited and plan to be apart of it. I've never run in a race before and it's definitely one of my top goals in life to finish a race. This one has always seemed like the perfect place to start. And every year, we have something going on that day that prevents me from participating.
This year, I thought it would be the wedding that I was the Matron of Honor in, but because the wedding wasn't until 5:00 and the race was at 7:30 (30 minutes to finish, tops), this wasn't really an obstacle. Not really having the money to do it kinda was, but the main obstacle was my back.
It still hasn't really healed yet and is continuing to give me issues. Even that morning when I got outta bed, the muscles in my lower back seemed to scream in pain. This makes it difficult just to walk, much less run in a race...or even run at all. But I decided to get up and just go for a walk on the trail anyway. I needed to burn some calories anyway.
So, I got dressed and put my tennis shoes on and walked out onto the trail right outside my house. The race had already started and most of the runners were already crossing the finish line. They had blocked off the street so the runners could run on the road, so I decided to take my walk up on the trail. At first, it felt really good being out there with them. Kinda like I was actually in the race with them.
A few blocks later, it hit me. Those thoughts of self-pity that make the tight feeling in the middle of the throat overwhelm and the tears that pop up suddenly. "I'm supposed to be in this race." "Will I EVER be able to sign up for a 5K?" "Will I ever know the feeling of crossing the finish line?" "Will I ever be able to even run again?" "It's not fair." Etc. You know the spiral effect.
Part of me wanted to turn around, go back into my house, and curl up on my couch and have a good cry. I chose to keep walking. The only way to get better is to keep being active and to strengthen the muscles. But it was the hardest walk I've ever been on. I reached the place where the finish line was and there was a HUGE party going on. Everybody was laughing and congratulating each other. Friends and family members were there cheering their runner on. Pictures were being taken and a band was playing. I tried to be happy for all those that participated. And I actually kinda got my attitude in check.
Until I noticed all the little kids lined up about to begin their portion of the race...a 1K. Then I almost lost it again. A whole new batch of self-pitying thoughts attacked me. I'm pretty sure a couple of people actually saw the tears in my eyes. Embarrassing.
The whole way back home I asked the LORD to protect my heart and my mind from this "woe is me" attitude. He told me, very clearly, that I needed to bury my dreams. This verse melted into my heart and brought an odd combination of mourning and peace at the same time. My hopes and dreams and goals are no longer mine, but what the LORD has given to me by grace. If it's really HIS will for my life, then it will happen and HE will make a way. And the last thing I need to do is obsess and throw a pity-party about it. I just need to trust.
When you bury something, there is always a sense of sadness and mourning that occurs in your spirit. But if you really trust the LORD with your life (and your hopes and dreams and goals), then there is also always a sense of peace and joy and even confidence in HIS protection and plan for your life.
I believe that someday I will run a 5K and maybe even a half marathon. And I also believe that someday my children (and husband) will either participate with me or be waiting to congratulate me at the finish line.
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